Creative Discipline 102: House Rules
Once I filled my head with all these great disciplinary ideas, I realized that I had to set out a concise set of rules for the kids to follow. I sat down a wrote out a (very long) list of things that I thought were particularly important. Here’s a small portion of that list: (image via bolsa bonita)
- No jumping/climbing on the furniture.
- No spitting.
- No calling names.
- No touching/playing with someone’s else’s special things.
- No screaming.
- Crying is okay.
- No ruining what someone else is working on.
- Be quiet during the baby’s nap.
- Don’t leave a mess.
- No laying on the floor and throwing a fit.
- Listen to and mind what mommy and daddy tell you to do.
- Put your dishes in the sink after you eat.
- Put the toilet lid down so the baby doesn’t splash around in the potty.
- No going outside without asking.
- No whining.
Clearly, no kid was going to remember all these rules, let alone follow them. I also didn’t like that they all felt very negative. I try to speak to the children with a lot of “I statements” (I need you to stop yelling, I need you to get your feet off the couch, etc), and this was a lot of “NO!” which I already knew that they don’t respond well to.
I managed to narrow all of this down to four rules that encompass all of the important ideas:
- No throwing a fit. If you throw a fit, go to your room until you feel better.
- Respect our things and each other.
- Use pleasant inside voices to speak nicely.
- Be a listener.
Much of whats important falls under rule #2 (no spitting, no touching someone’s special things, no name calling) or rule #3 (no screaming, be quiet during naptime, no whining), and #1 and #4 round out good behavior. Further, they are extremely easy rules for me to follow. I could do beter at listening, and I do occasionally throw a bit of a fit (and I loooove to go to my room until I feel better). We keep the rules posted in the kitchen (with pictures for our non-readers), and refer to them when a consequence is imposed (”We are respectful with one another. Sitting on your sister’s head is not respectful.”)
I couldn’t live without my rule #4. What’s the most important rule in your house? Any that I need to add to my list?
This is a great list!s We believe in the Golden Rule - treat people the way you would like to be treated - which is very similar to your #2
Our best rule is to obey quickly, sweetly, and completely.
I’m so glad you’re blogging again.s I’ve missed your posts.s I have two young ones, nearly 2 and 8 months…so we’re learning to communicate better with our toddler.s I’d say the rule we stick to most is humility,respect and love for one another.s I’m trying to explain things now again and again so that eventually we’ll (including me!) will think in new ways about working together as a family. s
I’m blogging about lessons learned in this process at http://burningbushes.org/ and would love to have you visit sometime!
Thanks again for writing more.s
I like the “respect others” rule best, it covers the most. How about “put things back where they belong, not in your mouth” or something about inside vs. outside (walking vs. climbing) behaviors?
Our house rules:
s
Help.
Be polite.
Make good choices.
Cry as much as you want, but only on the crying couch.
You must take as many bites assyou are old.
s
When I was a teacher, the rules were simple:
1.s Work hard.
2.s Be nice.
s
I found that those 2 rules pretty much encompassed everything that I wanted the kids to do in the classroom.s With some pretty smooth talking, I could make any “offense” fit within the confines of those 2 things.s Made my job a lot easier, because the kids could remember all the rules!
Honestly everything in your list fits under respect.
1. Throwing a fit usually stems from disrespect… or it’s emotional, and you’re right that they need to “chill out” but that doesn’t need to be a rule, really.
3. Yelling indoors isn’t showing caring behavior and respect toward other people around you whose ears might hurt.
4. Listening is showing respect to the person who is talking to you.
s
My rules are:
Respect (yourself, others, animals, and things)
s
Other things like “be nice” are obviously respect-oriented.
“Do your best”/”work hard” are part of respecting yourself.
s
With younger kids who don’t always understand the concept of respect, I use: “Be kind, be safe, have fun.”
s
Your “i need you to…” phrases can be simplified by taking away the “I need you to….” Instead of saying “I need you to take your feet off the couch” just say “put your feet on the floor” or “take your shoes off.”
It shouldn’t be all about you and what YOU need and if you keep repeating “I need…” eventually the kids will think, “But what about what I need?”
We have sort of a long list… but the kids got to choose the consequences for when they break them too.
1. Listen and Obey
2. Quiet voices and speak nicely
3. Pick Up
4. Share
5. Show love and respect
6. Tell the truth
and my absolute favourite
7. No dumping (as in dumping out whole buckets of toys… not filling your diaper!!!)
Putting things where they belong is part of respecting the environment, so it’s covered!
s
And not putting stuff in your mouth is part of respecting yourself. “If it’s not food, it doesn’t go in your mouth.” or “only food goes in your mouth” are simple ways for kids to remember this. You can also talk about how germs are spread (they don’t want to make themselves sick!) and about how chewing non-food things can break their teeth or scratch the enamel off!
(obviously with very young children, it’s up to you to keep non-food items out of their mouths, but with 3s and 4s, they can understand these concepts.)
Thanks!s We refer to the Golden Rule quite often in trying to explain the very concept of ‘respect,’ so I agree that they definitely go hand in hand.s I think we have a ways to go, though
I love that! My #4 is along those same lines, but I really like your phrasing.s I’ll have to revise a bit
Thank you so much.ss I’ve missed blogging, and felt like perhaps no one really cared anyhow, so it’s a treat to hear that someone noticed :)s I think that you’re right that we all have to retrain ourselves in figuring out how to be a family…it’s just so different than being with someone else’s kids, having only yourself to account to, or even being a child yourself.s It’s just such a process of figuring out how to work together, and once you’ve figured it out it seems like everything changes and you’re back at square one.s I’m on my way over to your blog now, thanks for sharing the link!
s
Great points.s I’ve tried to cover everything with a few rules (e.g. ‘hold hands in the parking lot’ falls under being a listener), and we go over it and over it.s I’ll let you know how this really works out in another twelve years or so
Thanks! At home it’s the crying couch, but I can make almost anything into a “crying chair, blanket, carpet, or spot.” It has helped to more quicklysend tantrums at our house.
I like your list. I am finding more and more how important the idea of “respecting” each other is. I have also been trying to teach my four year old to go to her room when she is yelling and upset, and telling her that I will talk to her when she calms down. She is a very intense kid, and if she needs to yell and scream, fine, just don’t yell at me, and go to your room until you can calm down. I think I’m going to run your list past my husband - maybe we need some similar rules too!
Do your non-readers understand the concept of the rules with the pictures?
Oh, thank you so much for this!s I find myself, too many times, thinking: “Have we discussed this rule yet?”s When it should be much, much simpler: Be safe, be kind, try hard.s Those are the all-encompassing important ones, and I’m totally going to use this as our house-rules mantra from now on.
Very helpful rules. Thanks for posting. May I ask what type of picture you used to depict your second and third rules? I like these rules for my 3 yr old but am not sure how to convey them to her.
I love the idea of keeping the rules as few and as short as possible. For example, I love the “respect others” rule, but I don’t believe that my 4 year old would fully understand the concept. That’s why, I believe I have to stick for now to more explicit rules, appropriate for his age, like: No hitting, no lying, no yelling, no screaming, etc…, though the list will be longer this way! Otherwise, I just love having a short, clear list that he can memorize and repeat himself.
Any suggestions? Thank you.